New "normal" ??

I have heard this a bunch since my mom passed in October.  "Are you adjusting to your new normal?"  At first it seemed like a pleasant thing to say.  People want to reach out (most anyway) and say something.  They gave me a card or attended her service and now months later they want to 'check in.'  I get it and yet, as I have pondered that phrase, I am feeling conflicted.  What is 'normal?'  Was it normal to have a mother who didn't know who I was?  Was it 'normal' to change and bathe ones own mother?  Was it 'normal' for my husband and daughters to have to clean her up after soiling herself?  Was it 'normal' that we couldn't go anywhere as a family without hiring a Grandma-sitter?  Suddenly, all of these 'normal' occurrences are now a thing of the past and yet somehow, I don't feel NORMAL!  I have the time to sew, shop, paint, watch a movie, sleep in, attend every school event and come home whenever I feel like it.  These things should be 'normal' for someone in my stage of life (kids almost grown and gone from the nest) but if this truly IS 'normal' then I HATE IT!  The parts of my heart that were so exhausted from the past 11 years of caring for my mom and longing for the freedom that I now taste, cries out for another day of waking her up, getting her dressed and cleaned up, feeding her breakfast and even watching her sleep in the chair by the fire.  As dull and quiet as those days were, and yes even monotonous.....I would trade them again and again.  This 'normal' isn't normal at all to me.  I wore the badge of 'caretaker' for 11 years and although there were more times than I care to admit where I mentally threw that badge on the ground and pitched a 'fit' in anger and resentment for the toll it was taking on all of us, I would do it AGAIN and AGAIN.  

Still not sure what NORMAL is.  Maybe someday.

Peace. Just peace.

God's grace is amazing.  I have so much to be thankful for and even in the midst of my hurting heart that aches for one more day with my mother, I know that God's  plans for me and my family are good.  He is walking this journey with me and He knows exactly where we are going.  I feel as though I am stepping off into my future.  Like I am just now growing up.  Does that seem weird?  I choose to trust.  I cannot see the road ahead but I know if I hold TIGHTLY to the hand of God.....we can deal with all that is.  Peace.  That is what I am thankful for.  There is no peace in the world around, but as I am learning how to lean (yes, just now finally learning) into the arms of my Creator, I am feeling at peace.  It.  Feels.  Good!

"Quality wins over Quantity!" This is my new 'friend motto!'  So sick of people acting like they care when really they don't.  DONE. WITH. THAT.  Moving on to spend my time with people who's actions speak love.  Who move 'mountains' to show that they care.  It may be lonely, but actually I don't think it will.  I think the smaller circle will be much more fulfilling.  I can't wait for the next 50 years to unfold! AHHHHHHHHH :)

Goodbye for Now Lucille

I had to say "goodbye for now" to my mother.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done and I am still struggling with all the emotions that go along with it.

This is my mother.  She adopted me when I was one year old.  We have been through a lot in my life. She has lived with me and my family for the past 11 years.  The last 5 have proved especially difficult as she has had Dementia.  She is currently in the process of dying.  It is the most difficult experience of my life.  I know in my head that she is 89 and has lived a long full life and has served Jesus for nearly all of it, and yet my heart is hurting so.  I am watching her lying in that bed taking only small sips of water now and everything in me wants to scream "Get up and be you again!"  It is not to be.  She is slowly slipping away.  I am blessed to have been raised by a godly mother and father.  They didn't do everything perfectly but they showed me the path to Jesus and I accepted.  That is the greatest gift they gave me.  I love you Mom!

part of the journey nearing the endM

Hard to believe that a 49year old woman can feel like she is about to be orphaned and yet, here I am, seeing my ailing 89 year old mother beginning to cross her finish line(or maybe because I know she knows Heaven awaits her, it is really the starting line).  She once was strong, controlling and fierce.  She now is weak, frail and silent most of the time.  Spending most of her time dozing in her wheelchair or her recliner, I see her fading.  She has been on this departure for a number of years now.  She doesn't who I am and if asked will usually say "Beanie" which was her sisters nickname.  I just smile and say it doesn't matter, but deep inside my little girls heart I wish for a Mama to hug me and tell me that I cooked a nice dinner, made a lovely home for my family or that I did a good job raising my daughters.  I will never hear those words.  She is lost in her self.  She is in pain a lot lately and because of it we give her pain medication which makes her even more distant and sleepy.  I have been going through her pictures and scanning them into my computer in preparation for a slide show of her life.  With each photo I remember the person that both loved and disciplined me in equal parts. I made her cry a lot and drove her to her knees plenty, but she never quit forgiving me and praying for me.  Guess what Mom?  I am still not a perfect wife, mother, friend, coworker, woman but I am super in love with my Creator and I am always asking Him to mold me, shape me and create in me a clean heart.  Those old songs we used to sing in church are still with me.  I sing/hum them to myself when I need to go back into the far away places of my mind and heart.  They comfort me.  You did that for me.  You introduced me to God and although there wasn't a lot of grace taught to me and some of that legalism was unnecessary, I get it!!  God loves me and I love Him.  You don't have to worry about me anymore Mom.  You didn't give out a lot of hugs, kisses or 'I love you's' but you did point me to the cross and THAT was the most import and lesson of all.  

M