part of the journey nearing the endM

Hard to believe that a 49year old woman can feel like she is about to be orphaned and yet, here I am, seeing my ailing 89 year old mother beginning to cross her finish line(or maybe because I know she knows Heaven awaits her, it is really the starting line).  She once was strong, controlling and fierce.  She now is weak, frail and silent most of the time.  Spending most of her time dozing in her wheelchair or her recliner, I see her fading.  She has been on this departure for a number of years now.  She doesn't who I am and if asked will usually say "Beanie" which was her sisters nickname.  I just smile and say it doesn't matter, but deep inside my little girls heart I wish for a Mama to hug me and tell me that I cooked a nice dinner, made a lovely home for my family or that I did a good job raising my daughters.  I will never hear those words.  She is lost in her self.  She is in pain a lot lately and because of it we give her pain medication which makes her even more distant and sleepy.  I have been going through her pictures and scanning them into my computer in preparation for a slide show of her life.  With each photo I remember the person that both loved and disciplined me in equal parts. I made her cry a lot and drove her to her knees plenty, but she never quit forgiving me and praying for me.  Guess what Mom?  I am still not a perfect wife, mother, friend, coworker, woman but I am super in love with my Creator and I am always asking Him to mold me, shape me and create in me a clean heart.  Those old songs we used to sing in church are still with me.  I sing/hum them to myself when I need to go back into the far away places of my mind and heart.  They comfort me.  You did that for me.  You introduced me to God and although there wasn't a lot of grace taught to me and some of that legalism was unnecessary, I get it!!  God loves me and I love Him.  You don't have to worry about me anymore Mom.  You didn't give out a lot of hugs, kisses or 'I love you's' but you did point me to the cross and THAT was the most import and lesson of all.  

M