This is my mother.  She adopted me when I was one year old.  We have been through a lot in my life. She has lived with me and my family for the past 11 years.  The last 5 have proved especially difficult as she has had Dementia.  She is currently in the process of dying.  It is the most difficult experience of my life.  I know in my head that she is 89 and has lived a long full life and has served Jesus for nearly all of it, and yet my heart is hurting so.  I am watching her lying in that bed taking only small sips of water now and everything in me wants to scream "Get up and be you again!"  It is not to be.  She is slowly slipping away.  I am blessed to have been raised by a godly mother and father.  They didn't do everything perfectly but they showed me the path to Jesus and I accepted.  That is the greatest gift they gave me.  I love you Mom!

part of the journey nearing the endM

Hard to believe that a 49year old woman can feel like she is about to be orphaned and yet, here I am, seeing my ailing 89 year old mother beginning to cross her finish line(or maybe because I know she knows Heaven awaits her, it is really the starting line).  She once was strong, controlling and fierce.  She now is weak, frail and silent most of the time.  Spending most of her time dozing in her wheelchair or her recliner, I see her fading.  She has been on this departure for a number of years now.  She doesn't who I am and if asked will usually say "Beanie" which was her sisters nickname.  I just smile and say it doesn't matter, but deep inside my little girls heart I wish for a Mama to hug me and tell me that I cooked a nice dinner, made a lovely home for my family or that I did a good job raising my daughters.  I will never hear those words.  She is lost in her self.  She is in pain a lot lately and because of it we give her pain medication which makes her even more distant and sleepy.  I have been going through her pictures and scanning them into my computer in preparation for a slide show of her life.  With each photo I remember the person that both loved and disciplined me in equal parts. I made her cry a lot and drove her to her knees plenty, but she never quit forgiving me and praying for me.  Guess what Mom?  I am still not a perfect wife, mother, friend, coworker, woman but I am super in love with my Creator and I am always asking Him to mold me, shape me and create in me a clean heart.  Those old songs we used to sing in church are still with me.  I sing/hum them to myself when I need to go back into the far away places of my mind and heart.  They comfort me.  You did that for me.  You introduced me to God and although there wasn't a lot of grace taught to me and some of that legalism was unnecessary, I get it!!  God loves me and I love Him.  You don't have to worry about me anymore Mom.  You didn't give out a lot of hugs, kisses or 'I love you's' but you did point me to the cross and THAT was the most import and lesson of all.  

M

waiting not so patiently

I am not a very patient person.  I really thought I was, but I am finding myself having difficulty with the idea of waiting for God's timing.  I know His promises.  I have memorized many of them and yet......I have an agitated heart and my emotions are screaming out "When will I see your plan, Lord?  Have you forgotten about me down here?"  I know in my head that isn't true, but the heart is a very different creature.  It seems to wander down the paths of loneliness and regret.  It becomes thirsty for the water of assurance.  Just a glimpse into the future where all is ok.  Will all ever be ok?  I can't help but wonder, but then I feel guilty in the questioning.  "Trust me!"  That's what God tell me to do and so for however long it takes, I will trust.  Not with a smile, but with a heart that knows He really does love me and them and His ways are beyond my understanding.  There is peace in the knowing.  Really knowing.