The day comes too quickly this year

So most summers I am sooo ready for school to start. My girls are very 'spirited' and when they were younger, they had a hard time keeping themselves amused for an entire summer which of course led to BOREDOM! But the Summer of 2010....wow. They were busy, had fun, relaxed and most of all, seemed to LIKE ME! How that warms my soul. I have always been kind of a 'tough love' kind of mom and that has often led to some 'kicking and screaming' literally and figuratively. They young women who live in my house are beautiful inside and out. Sometimes they don't realize it, but the world is watching them and noticing. Do they do everything right? NO, but hey, none of us do and frankly, those are kind of boring people usually. They learn from their mistakes and move on. I hear comments from other adults a lot about my kids. Sometimes pointing out 'flaws' but mostly telling me how awesome they are. THAT is the reward for the years of bruises on my heart. NOTHING in my life gives me greater joy than seeing them grow up into women who fear God, respect people and give unselfishly. Why must the Summer of 2010 come to an end?

"....baby remember my name?"

A line from the musical FAME. I decided to challenge myself this summer. Everyone kept telling me "You need an outlet" (I have been spending the last year at home with my mom) "Do something for YOU." sooooo I decided to audition for our local theater company's summer production of FAME. I have never acted before. I am a trained singer but singing in church has been the majority of my experience. I was scared, but I auditioned. I got a part! Partly thrilled and mostly SCARED TO DEATH, I embarked on this adventure. We have been rehearsing since the first week on June. 2-4 nights per week. Learning my songs wasn't too bad, after all, singing is my 'thing,' but the acting part! Holy Cow. It's hard. I think I have my lines memorized, but then I am told I am emphasizing the wrong word in the sentence/phrase. So then I work on this. Long story short. I am struggling. I am disappointed in myself. I am embarrassed. Thankfully, I realize that in eternity, no one will ask how I performed in FAME. Thankfully, God will only care if I remembered HIS name and if I shared it with those around me.

The power of words. I often use too many. I often forget to think about the tone of my words. Since I have had these issues, I am working on better "word skills." Part of my 'reform' involves holding back. I went a few weeks of not talking to my husband any more than absolutely necessary. I was afraid to tell him how I really felt about something. Last week our kids were all gone for a few days. (of course, Grandma Lucille was still home!) I knew that this was the opportunity I needed to communicate with him and share my heart. I waited....and waited...and waited until it was almost too late. He was leaving for a few days vacation. We had 'the talk' at the last minute and though no 'mountains were moved' or 'epiphany's reached,' we did listen to each other's hearts. Fast forward to today. He leaned over during church and whispered "I love you." And then he told me I looked like a teenager! (giggle!) He isn't strong in the 'giving compliments' area so this was BIG~! My heart fluttered. I felt especially blessed since just the other day our 'talk' involved a talk about my physical appearance. Since it is no secret (from the picture and earlier posts) that I am a little "fluffier" than I should be for my height, this subject is sensitive for me. I am trying to balance my need for self acceptance with his need/desire to see the woman that he married looking back at him. I love him. I know that we are both right. We have committed our marriage to God and He alone is helping us both find the balance we desire. But I am NOT going to lie. That moment when he leaned over and his lips brushed my cheek and I heard his voice in my ear........I felt healing.

summers joys

I am soooo thankful for the woman who have influenced my life. Mostly, they are godly woman who have not always told me that I was 'great and fabulous' but have sometimes shown me some much-needed TOUGH LOVE~! This photo is me with my mother (right) and my 'church mother' Mrs Otto Lemberg. Her husband was the pastor of my church growing up. We had a reunion at the church a couple months ago and I took my mom. She has dementia and didn't respond to the event as much as I would have liked, but for me, it was so refreshing to be reminded of where I came from. I didn't always listen to their counsel and made some really dumb choices along my path, but now as an adult and mother myself, I can see clearly where they were trying to guide me. They loved me enough to tell me to STOP what I was doing. In this day, the parenting motto seems to be "Let them make their own choices" and "They are only kids!" I am forever grateful that someone loved me enough to tell me I was wrong and cared enough to spend time praying for me. I pray that there will be woman like this that my girls will look back on and be grateful for, no matter now mad they get at us now. IT IS WORTH IT~!

i will not give up

My daughter seems to hate me right now. I know that is normal at SOME point for teenage daughters and their mother's to butt heads. I can't help but feeling rejected, hurt and abandoned. I try to find common ground with her and yet.....we struggle. Are these the growing pains of leaving the nest? Have I done something wrong? Will she ever WANT to hug me again? I know some of these questions sound utterly foolish and yet they haunt me. I go to God for my strength. I know that He holds her in the palm of His hand. I placed her there when she was born. She seems to be trying to squeeze out of even His firm hold. How? Why? I know that I know she will someday find her peace and contentment in walking HIS path. NOT her own. This comforts me.

Find beauty in everything around you.

defining success.......for me

I think about this......A LOT. I feel pressure to 'be' something. The right kind of mother, wife, daughter, daughter-in-law, friend, employee, neighbor, church member, sister-in-law, woman...you get the point. Well after much thought, prayer, tears, conversations, I have determined that I cannot and WILL NOT define myself by anthing else but "Follower of Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God!" I have put pressure on my kids to be the "best" they can be. To live up to their potential. To get good grades. To be liked by people. To have good manners. The only thing that matters in their lives is that THEY are "Followers of Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God!" Really! It doesn't matter what college they go to or if they even GO to college. Will that matter when we stand before God? Will he ask us "what was your GPA?" or "what did you do for ME?" "Who else is here because of YOUR life?" Is this an excuss for mediocrity? Absolutely NOT. Giving less than your best in anything is sad, but not a SIN. I have put TONS of pressure on Tom to be the perfect husband and father. You know what? He is learning, growing and is becoming the Man of God we need in our home. Forgive me Tom for ever making you feel like you aren't "enough." I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. Regrets? Yep, I have a few. I cannot change the past. I can only move forward from today and say "I will only be successful if God is pleased with my life." To some, publicly writing this seems bare-naked, but for those of us to who ARE pretty 'bare' most of the time, it is the only way to feel the freedom of change. And you know what? I am going to screw up LOTs more before my life is done. That is the beauty of GRACE! a word/concept I am praying to be better at extending to my girls, to my husband and to the rest of the world. Am I bold enough to publish this? Well, since most of you know how I am :) ........here goes! May each of you find the meaning of success in your lives!

weary of being weary

I am tired. Tired of treading water. Tired of juggling. Tired of feeling like I haven't 'done' enough.

why not?

I think that I am at a good place today. Why? I am not sure. Could it be that I have had reassurance from some great friends? Maybe. Could it be that I have been riding the wave of 'eating less' due to the stomach flu this past weekend? Maybe. I am not going to question it. Just enjoy it. "Thank you God for even the smallest victories." Last night I had to make a run to Walgreens. These are usually my moments of 'temptation' and usually FAILING. Anyway.....I went in, picked up the needed item and then stopped by the snack isle. I did purchase some rice cakes, some Triscuts and a water purifying pitcher, but the REAL victory came when I drove past Taco Bell and didn't stop. Laugh if you must but for me, this is VICTORY. I know, I know only one time but it was a start. I am trying to re-train my thoughts. I believe it can be done. I don't have to stay in the rut I have been in for 20 years (maybe more). God is in the smallest things in our lives. This is a big one for me. Bondage. That's what I call it. I long to be free. Maybe just one link in the chain fell off last night.

Welllllll. I am completely sore. My daughter got a Wii Fit for Christmas and I have used it two days in a row (today would be the third and I promise I will go get to it after I write!). I guess the fact that I am sore is a GOOD thing? Just taking it one day at a time!

Today IS the day

Ok, so here is my beautiful family. The reason I post this picture is to show my FAT BUTT. I am watching Dr. Oz even as I write this. I am going to attempt to go on his 28-day Faw food plan. I just went to the doctor and received test results that were not good. I am going to post them just to be accountable.

Choleterol: 272 (should be less than 200)

Triclyceride: 231 (should be less than 150)

HDL: 42

LDL: 184 (should be 100-130)

Weight: 260 waist: 48"

I know that I have to change ALL of these. I am overwhelmed but I somehow feel that this is the year that I will change. I know that it will take much prayer. I believe that God can help me along with the tools I am learning from Dr. Oz and some other great people. The fact of the matter is that I am just plain lazy. I love to lay around and sleep, oh and eat! I am kind of scared with the idea that I am slowly killing myself. OH MY GOSH. Why would I not want to live for this great famly? I am selfish. Enough is enough.